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Complaining and giving up when you encounter difficulties? 3 experiments to help you develop your child's resilience

Posting time:2022-12-03 09:01:20

Complaining and giving up when you encounter difficulties? 3 experiments to help you develop your child's resilience

Many parents, worried that their children are frustrated and weak, work hard for three minutes, give up when they encounter difficulties, and cannot persevere. For example: if you can't do a puzzle well, you will get irritable and lose your temper, and you will not do it; if you can't do your homework, you don't think about it and ask your parents for help directly; when you practice the piano, you don't want to practice and just give up after you're interested in it; How about shrinking and giving up when the child is in difficulty, instead of facing it? How to raise children with enthusiasm and perseverance? Perhaps, we can find the answer in three studies done by the University of Pennsylvania in the United States.


Through a study of more than 30 years, the University of Pennsylvania found that in the face of setbacks and difficulties, the key to determining a person's success or failure lies in their resistance Frustration is the ability of a person to cope with setbacks and recover from setbacks. A child's life cannot be smooth sailing without any setbacks. As the psychologist Maslow said: "Frustration is not always bad, the key lies in the attitude towards setbacks." Therefore, as a parent, you don't need to be like a "helicopter" or a "snowplow", always paying attention to your children and helping them everywhere. He removes obstacles, but should teach children how to face setbacks, thereby increasing their resilience. Research shows that when a child is in trouble, parents should focus on emotions, not events. For example, when a child loses his temper because of an unsuccessful jigsaw puzzle, the first thing parents should do is to help him clarify whether the current emotion is depression, disappointment, or anger or anger... Teaching children to recognize negative emotions is to try to solve the problem at the source. Then, instead of trying to eliminate these negative emotions, parents express understanding and acceptance. What is unimportant or simple in the eyes of parents may be important or difficult for children. In the same way, understanding and acceptance are easier for children to restore peace than comfort, questioning, and accusation. Finally, parents can help children complete tasks step by step by setting up "scaffolding". For example, dismantle the task with the child, reduce the difficulty, let the child progress step by step, step by step, and finally complete the task. In the process, the child's ability and confidence have been improved. Ability and confidence are two important pillars of resilience.


In her best-selling book "Grit", Penn celebrity professor Angela Duckworth pointed out: "When you encounter setbacks, can you Perseverance and perseverance are more critical than IQ, emotional intelligence, and self-control." So, how to cultivate children's perseverance? Professor Angela believes that the key to perseverance is to find a "right" interest. Parents can let their children try various hobbies, but they should not allow them to give up quickly. Only when the child experiences boredom and chooses to persevere, and still does not think it is a "right" interest, can he give up. Another key factor in developing grit is a sense of purpose. In the familiar story of the plasterers, three plasterers are asked the question of "what are they doing". The first answered "lay bricks," the second said "build a church," and the third said "build the house of God." Ten years later, the first is unemployed, the second is still a plasterer, and the third is a good architect. Parents should help their children increase the value of what they do, integrating it with the goal of contributing to others and society. A child who studies for "the rise of China" must be more able to endure the boredom and difficulties in learning than a child who only studies to get a good job.


The third one I want to introduce is the latest research from Penn, which was just published in January this year. The University of Pennsylvania has spent nearly four years researching which parenting style is more likely to help young children persevere in the face of setbacks. In one experiment, 34 children aged 4-8 completed a jigsaw puzzle while their parents watched. After the experiment, the parenting styles were divided into six categories according to the parents' performance when their children encountered difficulties in jigsaw puzzles: encouragement, direct guidance, indirect guidance, teaching questioning, takeover, and abandonment. Can you guess which type of child is more likely to give up? The results show that the children of "takeover" parents have the worst perseverance, and the degree of parents' love to take over has an absolute negative correlation with children's perseverance. In other words, the more parents intervene, the easier it is for children to give up. Take tutoring assignments, for example. If the parents have been by the side, they will answer questions as they ask, help when they are in distress, and correct mistakes when they see them. The end result is that it is difficult for children to complete their homework alone. So, how to accompany your child to do homework to help him strengthen his perseverance? For example, when a child encounters a problem, parents do not rush to help, but let him complete other problems first, so as to avoid the habit of asking for help whenever he has difficulties. Even when tutoring questions that they do not know, parents do not directly inform the answer, but ask more questions and give more guidance, so that children can finally get the answer through their own efforts. In a child's life, setbacks and difficulties are unavoidable. Only when parents accept their children’s negative emotions when they encounter setbacks and give them the opportunity to explore independently can they help them improve their confidence in challenging difficulties, their perseverance and their positive and optimistic attitudes.

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